The Secret Lives Of Ambien Zombies

By Chris Veritas

Have you ever stripped naked on a plane without cognition, cooked a meal in the middle of the night unawares, or woken up in some strange place, not knowing how on earth you got there? If so, you might be an Ambien Zombie.

As far as we know, the term “Ambien Zombie” descends from the flight attendant community. These poor flight attendants follow a simple code; if you spot a problem, it’s yours to fix. Which means that if the Zombie streaking past your station urinates in the aisle nearest you, you get the blest job of cleaning it up and restraining him.

Story after story has been related of bad behavior on flights, performed by passengers who have taken Ambien to fight jet lag. While asleep, they become a nightmare for attendants; strange, unreachable, id driven creatures, shuffling down the aisles with blank expressions. That being said, Ambien’s intended use is directed more towards insomnia and sleep deprivation. Not that all mind its intended use.

The Ambien Zombie phenomenon occurs only in a minority of cases. But these cases are so striking, damaging, and dangerous, that, many times, the lives of its users are altered and/or ruined forever.

But hey, that’s just part of the cost of doing business. So, with that in mind, here are a few slogans I invented to help Sanofi Aventis sell their beloved drug more adequately.

“Ambien; don’t mix it with alcohol, for pity’s sake!”

“Ambien; see you tomorrow, honey, if you don’t kill me in my sleep.”

And, “Ambien; at least it’s not Halcyon.”

Speaking of Halcyon (a former market leader in sleep aids, and accidental psychosis and suicide inducer), can’t we do better than this? After all, the aim is to induce sleep, not create mental patients, right? Right?

By the way, Halcyon is still on the market. Shocking, I know.

But back to Ambien Zombies. Numerically, the majority are women, because women suffer from insomnia in greater numbers than men. Thus, they are more likely to incur the drug’s odd side effects, such as “strange behavior” and “abnormal thinking”. (Huh. These are acceptable drug reactions?) An added danger to women is the sad likelihood that Ambien will be used to facilitate rape. Not only does said product increase arousal, it also short-circuits memory; which makes it ideal for predators who want to get away scot free. Rohypnol is difficult to come by, but not Ambien, which is only a schedule six drug.

A certain portion of people use Ambien not as a sleep aid, but as a sex stimulant (see Tiger Woods). Some use it to get high, fighting to stay awake in order to ride out on its psychedelic buzz. Many, I imagine, are quite surprised to find their sleep aid makes them trip out, and/or feel like Rick James! (May he rest in peace.)

Those with more normal designs have found themselves unwittingly “sleep driving”, “sleep shopping”, and “sleep eating”. As to the “sleep eaters”, they might not end up cooking brains, but they’ve been known to make such lustrous fare as buttered cigarettes, as one surprised Zombie reported, upon awaking.

In fairness to the FDA, they’ve responded to all this with typical professionalism; ordering Sanofi to “issue stronger warning labels”. Thanks, FDA. You guys are the best.

See: Why Are These 25 Carcinogens Still Being Sold?

In light of this development, please allow me to suggest an updated label of my own. “Ambien may cause you to walk off a cliff without knowing it. Thanks, Sanofi.”

As an Ambien Zombie, you may one day find yourself waking up in jail, charged with a DWI and/or homicide you don’t remember. If this happens, you might attempt the new “Zombie Defense” others have made who’ve gone before. When this fails, you’re welcome to “try” suing Sanofi. (Good luck there.) For those not yet arrested, who still insist on taking Ambien, may I suggest buying a set of shackles and manacling yourself to the bed? This ought to avert any potential episodes. Be sagacious; that’s the ruling of the courts. If you don’t prevent yourself from turning Zombie, it’s your own darn fault, buddy.

Let’s be realistic, when it comes to insomnia, it’s ridiculous to expect a sleep deprived person to be so sagacious. By the time you get to that point, you’re so desperate for sleep, not only are you probably not reading the warning label, you might even be willing to risk anything to get relief. In any case, who would expect a drug sold with such a delightful butterfly to be dangerous? I’m surprised there aren’t puppies jumping around on the bed.

As far as the class of Zombies who use Ambien for pleasure, these are playing roulette, and deserve less sympathy. One has to wonder at the person who, over and over, takes this drug and winds up in some strange place. On the other hand, the high from the drug is so attractive, it may just override the conscious mind. (Wow. Yet another example of how this happens.) Speaking of Ambien abusers, some don’t even have to take the drug to do so; but I would still classify them as the walking dead.

No matter how dramatic and tragic, the preceding information remains mostly overlooked. Perhaps this is because, if it were to get out, by means of Hollywood, Television, or the Press, a certain drug company might lose its multi-billion dollar cash cow? That leaves little bloggers like me to take up the strain, alone against a deafening silence.

Instead of witnessing to the truth, Hollywood’s given us countless tales of fictional zombies, sloughing through the night in search of brains, who disappear mysteriously by day; while in reality, a living class of walking dead also disbrain, only to find themselves in the morning, mysteriously full again.

There are millions of Ambien users, worldwide. I wonder how many of them have similar stories? How many, I wonder, were lured into buying Ambien by that beautiful butterfly, only to find it was glowing because it’s radioactive?

Ironically, Ambien is a nightmare.
Paradoxically, it’s even worse than Rohypnol.
And sarcastically, I’d like to say to the FDA, “You stay classy, San Diego.”

Ah, the FDA. It truly is one killer organization.

Check out more from Chris Veritas

This piece was featured on Natural Blaze as a contribution from the author. Chris Veritas writes informative pieces like this at Veritas Gazette, at his blog, and humorous satire news at Some Cry Wolf.